Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Floor bacon is actually really good
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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