Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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