This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
