The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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