You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
