Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
