I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
