Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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