Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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