so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
