Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
