your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
