Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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