Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
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Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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