last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
