Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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