Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
