Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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