Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
