This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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