living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
