haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
