wanna go halves on a baby?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
