i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
