"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i will never coherently bang her
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
