its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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