Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm just crazy horny about you
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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