Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
