I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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