Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
