he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
