oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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