He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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