i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
