just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
