yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
