you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
