Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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