She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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