Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
