im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
