so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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