I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
