Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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