I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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