The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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