I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
