Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
