I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
