I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
