Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
