In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
