i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
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Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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