i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
