At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
