ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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