Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
