You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My bed smells like the plague
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
