i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
