I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think I won the penis lottery.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
